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You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake ― Bob Hope

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience ― Mark Twain

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher ― Socrates, Greek philosopher

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. ― Rodney Dangerfield

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man ― Lana Turner

The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby ― Natalie Wood

There are 3 kinds of people in the world…those who can count and those who can’t. ― FunnySaying

Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything! ― Homer Simpson

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair ― Sam Ewing

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ― Oscar Wilde

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it ― Helen Rowland

The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. ― Fred Allen

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile ― Billy Sunday

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything ― Oscar Wilde

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ― Funny Saying

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side ― FunnySaying

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter ― Funny Saying

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted ― FunnySaying

My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met. ― Rodney Dangerfield

Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable. ― FunnySaying

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. ― Mark Twain

The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it. ― FunnySaying

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far. ― Bob Thaves

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and have you actually looking forward to the trip. ― FunnySaying

Inside every older person is a younger person … wondering what the hell happened ― Cora Harvey Armstrong

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. (Then when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes) ―

“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens” ― Rodney DangerfieldBiographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

Mark Twain

I hate biographies which say, I was called to such and such an office, and he offered me so and so, and I got so and so money. I find that very tedious. The best biographies are written by other people.

Leslie Caron

I very rarely read any fiction. I love biographies; I read about all kinds of people. I love theology and some philosophy.

Al Sharpton

That was par for the course but I also found that commissions were being canceled and in fact I considered this directly libelous - I write biographies for a living as well as being a journalist - for a non fiction book to be called fiction from beginning to end.

Anthony Holden

Some of those drawn into the holy war had been secular nationalists only a few years before. If one looks at the biographies of these people, remarkable continuities are revealed.

Jurgen Habermas

There's been a number of erroneous biographies, articles and so on written about Billy and we both thought it would be a good idea to produce a true one.

Pamela Stephenson

I like contemporary American literature and I like biographies and I like jazz and I like baseball and I like writers who write about the human condition and sci-fi is just something that I happened into.

Jonathan Frakes

Great geniuses have the shortest biographies.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm interested in the truth, and unauthorized biographies are not. Yes, I would like to correct those errors someday.

Barbra Streisand

Once you touch the biographies of human beings, the notion that political beliefs are logically determined collapses like a pricked balloon.

Walter Lippmann

I've always had an abundance of material about the subjects of my biographies.

Walter Isaacson

While writing my first 90 books, I was magazine editor, publisher, book publisher, executive, etc., so I was established in publishing. three of my seven or so books were biographies of sports stars and really opened doors for me in that area.

Jerry B. Jenkins

The difference between authorized and unauthorized biographies is the difference between riding in carriage or squatting in steerage.

Kitty Kelley

I love reading. I'm very much into history, novels, biographies and I have a wide range of thrillers.

Bruno Tonioli

My reading is always about musical biographies. I have an innate interest and passion for that.

Nina Blackwood

The immense majority of human biographies are a gray transit between domestic spasm and oblivion.

George Steiner

I don't think of my books as being biographies. I never had any interest in doing a book just to write the life of a great man. I had zero interest in that. My interest is in power. How power works.

Robert Caro

When you write biographies, whether it's about Ben Franklin or Einstein, you discover something amazing: They are human.

Walter Isaacson

I love to read different books on completely different subjects at the same time. I cannot focus on one. I read a few pages of literature, then I jump to philosophy and at the same time I'm reading biographies of Mahler.

Gustavo Dudamel

I have believed in the biographies I have written. I truly can tell you that they have influenced our society politically, culturally, socially.

Kitty Kelley

I've been a lifelong horror fan, but at the same time, I would say 90 percent of my reading is biographies and nonfiction history.A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

Robert Redford used to be such a handsome man and now look at him: everything has dropped, expanded and turned a funny colour.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

They say he's [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?"

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.

I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!

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